You have always succumbed to the gap-toothed grin, the cheese-beard, the slightly soggy thing that might have been potato bread before a frustrated line cook stuck olive slices in the top and made it a face.
You have never wanted to, but the siren song of the ham calls you. five slices of ham, one singlet of processed cheese product, kept under the heat lamp until it droops into surrender, a dead-eyed olive stare with a swipe of our proprietary sauce on a toasted potato bun.
Bow, liege. swear fealty to your yumbo sire.
"I am my yumbo's..."
"...and my yumbo is mine,"whispers the counter jockey.
There is a machine that would be making frozen lime rickeys, rattling away. It is churning nothing, empty air. A lime rickey would distract from the purity of the yumbo. There can be no pretenders to his princely throne.
Consider:
COMING SOON
YUMBIZZA
Squares of that waxy yellow cheese, patchworked over a 10 inch pizza base, and then, of course, the ham. 5 single slices, as tradition decrees: pink, clammy islands in a sauceless ocean.
COMING SOON, it says, and your chest tightens at the inevitability.
YOU WILL ENJOY YUMBIZZA it says, and you feel tears scald your eyes as you know, you will, there is no way out.
AND WHY NOT TRY
YUMBIZZA ROLLS
NOW WITH JUICY FILLING!
Another poster reads, ominously, SEASONAL OFFERINGS
Celebrate the FESTIVE SEASON with NEW Yumbo Eternal
You will love the Great new Taste
with crispy resin shell to seal in the Freshness
CELEBRATE
HE IS COMING
THE KING IN YELLOW APPROACHES
NOTHING WILL LAST
BUT THE ETERNAL YUMBO
YOU WILL BE AS DUST AS THE YUMBO REMAINS
ALWAYS
HE IS COMING
HE IS COMING
YUMBO
There's no need to feel down,
I said YUMBO
There's a bun that is round,
I said YUMBO
It's got 5 serves of ham,
There's NO NEED
TO
FEEL
UNHA-PPY
On and on, thumping through your head. You tap your foot to the beat as a nosebleed starts up again.
Yumbo(tm) No. 5!!!
An interactive augmented reality event sponsored by YUMBO KING(tm)
Download the Yumbo Beatz App and share your Yumbo dance videos to win FUN PRIZES
There is a picture of a frightened-looking woman dancing with a person dressed as The Yumbo Man. The QR code at the bottom looks like a pixelated image of an open mouth. Your teeth itch.
Someone has left it on a seat. Rain-soaked and weathered, bleached by the sun for untold years, text barely visible. You open it. You should not be able to read it. You begin to read.
They have gone north. They do not return. Why would they, when they have found what they have sought? Who returns from the harrowing, hallowed embrace of their King? Their King in Yumbo?
The illustrations are- Oh G--
Opening Soon!
Yum! brands Yumbo Cantina
A sit-down experience with a jazz band that is always playing jittery improv two tables away. a sit-down experience you'll want to dress up for, even as you know that to do so is to flirt with fire, the fire in this case being melted cheese and grease dripping onto your embroidered white vest. a sit-down experience with a scented candle (processed cheese flavor! we're sure the cheeseheads in your life will love it if you light this at their next birthday*) souvenir pack to remind you of the ambient aroma pumped into the building. our white tableclothed booths surround our open kitchen concept so that you can watch the yumbo artisans hard at work to prepare your meal.
*Yum! brand Yumbo scented candles should not be used within 100 feet of food intended for human consumption.